Mad World

What?! Can it be?! Eric’s back already?!

Yep! I sure am! And you wanna know why?

Seriously, do you know? Because I don’t.

There is something in my head that wants out and this is where it usually happens, so I figured, just sit down and start typing and see what weird shit escapes.

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month. Maybe that’s it.

That’s important to me for a couple of reasons. One being that my mental state on any given day is anything but “healthy”, so in that respect it’s an oxymoron. There are two VA clinics here in Raleigh that are just outposts for the VA hospital in Durham. One contains my General Practitioner, lab and a specialist or two and the other is specifically a Mental Health Clinic. Lucky for me, the Mental Health Clinic is only 2 miles from my house so I don’t have far to go. My file there is a bit larger there than at the regular clinic. I would classify the difference as “significant”. The other reason MHAM is important to me is that I have, for a long time, been interested in and fascinated by psychology. In particular, abnormal and forensic psychology.

While my interest does have a lot to do with my own issues, it wasn’t the reason I first became interested in it. It started back in college when, one semester, I took both the Intro to Psychology class and the Abnormal Psychology classes. They turned out to be the two classes that I missed the fewest of. It was the abnormal psychology class that gave me my first inkling that something was “wrong” with me.

Of course, what was “wrong” with me back in college was that I started when I was 17, broke loose from mom and dad and found weed and booze flowed like water in Boone, NC in 1986. No, I had not delved deep enough into it to find out why I was like that. Was it some natural tendency that I had for genetic reasons? Was it something I learned by watching my dad drink all the time? Was I burying feelings and traumas from my childhood and upbringing? Probably, on the last one, but I didn’t know enough at the time to put that together.

No, it was because I was 17, broken loose from mom and dad, and weed and booze flowed like water in Boone, NC in 1986.

That was back in the day when my mental health issues were still fun

And goddamn were they fun.

It’s a weird evolution. The issues go from being fun and the reason for being outgoing and fun and they grow progressively worse and worse until they eventually become miserable and the reason for being a loner hermit that doesn’t want anything to do with anybody most of the time.

At least not while unmedicated.

On that note, I’m leaving my wheel-house tomorrow to go have lunch with an old friend that I grew up with in my neighborhood back in my early teens. He was that friend that we were always at each others houses or spending the night at each others houses and just kinda hung around with all the time. Once we hit high school, we got involved with different cliques and drifted apart ever since. We ran into each other several months back another time I left my wheel-house and went to an art show that was being put on by my high school friend/landlord and a lot of old high school friends that I had not seen in many years were there. We said we ought to get together sometime and catch up and we actually followed up on it. So, lunch tomorrow.

Yes, the idea of it makes me anxious but I take my meds religiously, so it should be alright.

Anyway, psychology. I got a little off track. In 1991, Silence of the Lambs came out and HOOOOOLY SHIT was that the best fuckin’ movie I ever watched. As far as I’m concerned, that movie started the psychological thriller movement and turned so many of us into die-hard true crime fans. It was also the movie that convinced me that the best psychiatrists are the ones that are also incredibly fucked up. That was when I started consuming everything true crime and I do to this day.

Right now, I’m re-watching Mindhunter on Netflix because I hear rumor that they are coming out with a third season. I also hear rumor that the show was initially slated for 5 seasons. I also hear rumor that Mindhunter is not coming out with a third season and/or the show is on an indefinite hold.

So as usual, Netflix is toying with my emotions.

It’s what they do when they aren’t toying with your wallet.

Damn, I can’t wait for season 2 of Wednesday.

In the meantime, I take in any shows I can on murderers, serial murderers, and cults. Cults has been a big one lately. Keep Sweet: Pray and Obey is the latest one I watched. It’s about the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and their semi-current leader, Warren Jeffs. I say “semi-current” as the followers he has left follow his instructions (aka: “revelations”) as given from his prison cell where he is serving life for raping and impregnating underage girls under the guise of marriage and a few other things that are entirely fucked up. The thing that really sealed this jackass in concrete was when they played an audio tape (that he made, by the way) of him raping a 12 year old girl that he had just “married” in front of his other “wives”.

BOOM – Warren Jeffs’ voice is officially the creepiest thing I have ever heard in my entire life, and I own a copy of The Exorcist – Director’s Cut.

Long story short, people still think this motherfucker is GOD!

They played that tape. Not just to the jury, but in the documentary. It offended everything I’ve ever known as did most of the things this clown ever did.

End of the day, the one thing that held my interest, the one question they couldn’t answer was why as witnesses to these crimes, hell as victims even, why do these people still believe in him to the point of absolute worship.

There are two entirely different subjects in there. What malfunction made Jeffs be Jeffs, and what malfunction made the followers, follow and continue to despite what they have seen with their very own eyes.

Fascinating.

It should be to most people. We see that malfunction every day.

As near as I can tell, there is no different between Psychology and Abnormal Psychology. Everything we say, everything we do, all the ways we act . . . somebody, somewhere, thinks it’s weird, wrong or at the very least, irritating as fuck.

I know this because I find most people irritating as fuck.

That’s a bit harsh and inaccurate. I find the general public irritating as fuck. I’m currently reading a book (yes, I read) called “Surrounded by Idiots” by Thomas Erikson. The title is a misdirection, I’m thinking intentionally, to attract people like me. It worked, because I like it. It groups everyone into four different personality types. In general terms, compliant, dominant, stable, inspiring. It’s far more complicated than that but that will sum it up well enough for a single sentence. I haven’t finished the book yet, but it is supposed to help you deal with people that fall into all four of the categories. So far, I’m finding that all four personality types irritate the shit out of me.

Therefore, I’m adding a fifth category, “Generally Disgruntled”.

The point of all this, if there is one, is that if anyone were to ask if I had a hobby, I’d have to say that it’s psychology. I watch the shows and documentaries. I read the books, including college textbooks. I research through reputable sources on all types of psychology. I don’t just watch a show like Keep Sweet: Pray and Obey and just leave it at that. I get online and look up things like “mob mentality”, “god complex”, “narcissism” and a dozen others that relate to what I watched. Very rarely does one mental health issue exist on its own, independent of any other issue. There is almost always more than one.

If I could go back to school, and I have looked into it, I’d definitely pursue a psychology degree. Unfortunately, I live in the United States and that means going to college requires that you’re already rich or willing to go into crippling debt. Certainly, being on Disability (assuming I get it, that question still isn’t answered) isn’t going to cover an education for a Bachelor’s Degree and most definitely wont cover it if I want to study it even further, and I very much do.

I know a LOT about psychology. I know a LOT about why people do what they do and act the way they act. I know the difference between a psychopath, a sociopath and a just plain narcissist, because they are three similar things but they are not the same. Do I know enough to get a Bachelor’s Degree in it? I don’t know but I’d love the opportunity to find out. In the meantime, if anyone would like to buy me the latest copy of the DSM-V-Tr (5th Edition, please), I’d really appreciate it. I’d get it myself but it’s $185 and it’s not in the current budget of $0. (I already have the Desk Reference.)

All of that said, I think of Mental Health Awareness Month as my month. A month for people like me, and make no mistake, there are a lot more people like me than there aren’t. It’s a time I can stand up and tell people about all the ways I’m broken and why it’s ok to be broken. Not that I have any trouble telling people about it in any other month, I think I’ve been pretty open with ya’ll about what my issues are. Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, alcohol dependence, OCD, PTSD and probably a couple others that have been written in the margins of the various psychiatrist’s notepads I’ve been on the other side of. I’d say some agoraphobia but that’s more a side effect of my anxiety and I’m not afraid to leave the house, I’d just rather not.

“People are not Excel spreadsheets. We can’t calculate everything. We’re way too intricate to be described in full.”

-Thomas Erikson, Surrounded by Idiots

I want people to know that they aren’t alone. They aren’t “weird” or someone to be avoided and set aside. There has been a stigma to people who suffer from various mental disorders, and while it has gotten better in recent years, it’s still there and still exists because of the way people were raised or cultural differences. There shouldn’t have to be a Mental Health Awareness Month because it should be happening every month. The same with Suicide Prevention Month (September). We should be preventing suicide always.

It does work, that’s why I don’t hide my issues. I have had people reach out to me, for help, advice and sometimes, just an ear, because sometimes just getting it out of your head is all you need to brighten up whatever dark corner of your head you’ve slipped into. I’ve said since the beginning, I write this for me, to get whatever is in my head, out and take it off my shoulders for even a little bit. The fact that other people read it is a bonus. Hell, I wish I could get more people to read it so I could get some more feedback. I would love to hear from more people that have issues they want to get out, or want to know how to deal with people in their lives that have issues. Maybe I even want to hear from people that are just like me just so we can tell war stories about all the things we’ve fucked up over the years. I’ve got some good ones. Stories you’ll never see me put here, I guarantee you that.

I always reach a point when writing these were I start to ask myself if I’ve gone on too long or if I’ve just been rambling. I reached that point several paragraphs ago and you probably reached it several paragraphs before that. Yeah, sometimes I just spew stream of consciousness bullshit and it is a ramble. Thank you, to those of you that stick around regardless. I could keep going now, but this word-spew has given me a couple of ideas for a couple of other posts, so if nothing else, it has served that purpose.

So I guess there’s the point of the post. Mental Health Awareness Month and other reasons Eric’s a sick fuck.

That’d be the title if I didn’t want to stick to the 80’s theme, but I do so it isn’t.

Also, I haven’t decided on the title yet. It’s safer to write first, title later. If you’re interested, this is the list I use to get ideas for the titles.

[EDIT: Also, I changed the title 3 times.]

There will be more, sooner rather than later.

I love all ya’ll. I’m still researching me.

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