What You Need

Yup, I’m writing another one the very next day.

How enthusiastic of me.

Fair warning, this is a long one. Please be patient with me and read the whole thing.

Really, I felt like the first four posts were kind of downers, so I thought I would maybe cheer things up a little, or maybe stir things up and make this a little interactive. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for – to get people to maybe leave me some comments so it feels like I’m actually getting readers, so let’s get this going.

I’m talking about brand name products versus generic or store brand products. It is a subject that I hold some strong opinions on, but then, I’ve never said that I wasn’t a complete asshole about stating them because I have strong opinions about a lot of things.

I believe women should have complete control over what they do with their bodies, including abortions, not men who have not a single fucking clue what they are talking about. I believe the LGBTQ community should be treated fairly and equally and be allowed to express themselves as they wish. I’d rather have a transvestite or transitional male to female read books, teach and even counsel children before I’d let a Priest do any of those things. Only one of those poses a risk of sexual abuse of a minor and *hint*, it ain’t the trans. I believe banning books should be a punishable crime.

I am a registered unaffiliated atheist voter. Fuck both parties.

There are a hundred others if I sat down and thought about them, and every single one of them is a writing prompt, so for those of you that I didn’t just lose, who knows what will happen later.

Focus, Eric, focus.

Let me begin by saying, I am all for using generic brands to save money, particularly now with no job prospects yet. (Again, if anybody knows of a job I can do from home that I can survive on, please – sanitynsarcasm@gmail.com). I’m having a difficult time wading through what is legitimate and what is a scam on Indeed as they are often difficult to tell the difference.

Anyway, generic brands, saving money, yada yada.

I do buy a lot of generic products and in many cases, the generic/store brand stuff is better than the name brand, or at the very least, equal to them.

But, and I mean this very seriously, there are some items that MUST be name brand, I don’t give a fuck how broke I am.

A few years ago, on a whim and when I was more flush with cash, I was getting ready to cook something fancy and difficult. I love to cook and I love to challenge myself doing it and as it turns out, I’m pretty fuckin’ good at it. This particular recipe recommended that I use Kerrygold butter. So, what the hell, I bought some.

I have not used any other butter since. I LOVE THAT SHIT!! Yes, it’s $5 for two sticks, but it is worth every. fucking. dime. Yes, I have both salted and unsalted Kerrygold in my refrigerator as we speak. As of late, I use it as sparingly as possible.

Land-O-Lakes can fuck right off.

Orange juice. I don’t drink it often, but when I do, Tropicana or Simply Orange. Anything else, no.

Just …. no.

Let’s go the other way. Milk. Hand me the cheapest 2% on the shelf, I really don’t care where it came from unless they have done something to it to “enhance” it for my health benefit. We had a small snack bar at the place where I was a security officer and they had a suggestion box in which I placed a request for milk. I love milk and I drink a lot of it. To their credit, a milk-like product was in the cooler 3 days later. Something called “Fairlife”.

I’m not a complete asshole despite what some of you may think at this point, so I gave it a shot, and after the first sip, I tried to give it away but nobody else wanted that shit either.

If I could make a request to companies that make our food products, stop trying to enhance, take away ingredients and fortify my food for “my health”. If it says “diet”, “low fat”, “fat free” or “low sodium”, that shit can stay on the shelf and rot.

All of my grandparents lived into their 90’s. They smoked, drank, ate copious amounts of unfucked with food. My fraternal grandparents came here from Germany after WWII and lived largely on a wurst based diet. Those are sausage based foods usually served with some kind of potato creation. My grandmother had high blood pressure that she took meds for since before I was born. I think she was born with it. She lived to be 98.

Stubborn old bat.

My maternal grandparents were farmers back in the day and they got their milk straight from the source, in a galvanized steel bucket. Again, both lived into their 90’s.

Since I went into milk, let’s talk about cookies.

I am publicly admitting that I very much enjoy some chocolate chip cookies and milk just before I got to sleep. I mean, I enjoy that shit a LOT. They don’t necessarily have to be chocolate chip as long as it is a cookie that involves chocolate in some form or another, but if the bag they came in doesn’t have the word “Ahoy” on the front or some fucking elves, then I’m out of cookies.

Toilet paper!! Angel Soft – always. I wiped my ass with some weird stuff when I was in boot camp and I made a promise to myself that when I got off of Parris Island, I was going to be much kinder to my ass. Charmin is ok too, but they are REAL proud of that shit. Angel Soft is considerably cheaper and honestly, better.

Soup. If I’m not making it myself, and I have several different soup recipes I make fairly often (here is a personal favorite of mine, please give it a try!), Campbells. Period. As long as you don’t pick that “low sodium” green label bullshit, Campbells. In the absence of Campbells, Progresso will do as a substitute, but store brand, again, no. Just … no.

My habit I am trying to decrease – not eliminate – just decrease, soda. “Pop” for you weirdos up North. Cherry Coke or Wild Cherry Pepsi and in the absence of those two which frequently happens, Dr. Pepper. Come at me with “Dr Perky” or some other weird bullshit like that and I’m poking holes in it and throwing it in your car.

OH! I almost forgot! Hot Dogs and Pickles – both must be Dietz & Watson. Period, end of discussion. If they’re not in your store of choice, fuckin’ find ’em. I will sit in a chair watching TV with a container of D&W pickles in my lap and eat half the container just sitting there.

In summary, in regards to these products, come at me with a generic product of any of the above listed products with a “but it tastes EXACTLY the same”, I will fucking cut you. If it did, I’d be buying it.

I’m sure there are more that I’m just not thinking of right now, but this is getting long and I need to wrap it up soon. It’s 2:45 in the morning and I haven’t even taken my sleeping pills yet.

Trazadone, for those of you curious. 100 mg is prescribed. I took 300 mg last night and I still only slept for 6 hours, so there is that.

So, what will I buy that is generic or store brand? That’s a long list too, but I’ll just toss out a few real quick to give you an idea.

Canned vegetables, mostly because I usually drown them in salt and pepper, Kerrygold or Velveeta cheese so it doesn’t matter anyway. I will buy store brand shredded cheeses, but slices or blocks have to say Velveeta or Kraft.

Cleaning products. Window cleaners, counter, bathroom and toilet cleaners, all that kind of shit, I’m good with whatever the cheapest one is. The only exception that I insist on being under the kitchen sink, and I recommend you do too, is Barkeepers Friend. The main ingredients in that shit is Magic and Witchcraft. The kitchen sink in the house I live in is 69 years old and that sumbitch looks like it was installed yesterday.

Medication! Hell yeah, I want the generic brand because a) it’s almost always waaaay cheaper than the name brand and 2) because it has to be exactly the same contents as the FDA made it a law that says so. So there.

There’s a bunch of stuff in my pantry, fridge and freezer emblazoned with the “Great Value” logo. That’s right, I shop at Walmart. Often. I’ve found it to be the cheapest place to get groceries, name brand and store brand, otherwise, it’s Food Lion.

I got into it the other day on NextDoor with somebody bitching about prices at Harris Teeter. Yeah, I’m THAT guy on NextDoor. You don’t get to bitch about prices when you go to the most expensive stores you can find. Harris Teeter, Publix, Lowes, King Soopers for my Colorado friends are VERY nice stores and there is a reason for that. YOU are paying for it. You don’t get to bitch about prices when there are cheaper options available to you for the exact same products. In this case she was crying about Progresso soup prices, something you can get at almost any grocery store. When I told her the prices of that exact same product at Walmart and Food Lion, she learned that, that particular product was cheaper at both places and in one case, the regular price was still cheaper than Harris Teeter’s sale price.

But we have very nearby towns where that particular element of society live. *cough* Cary *cough* *cough* Morris*cough*ville. The “I would never set foot in a Walmart. I only shop at Target” crowd. They’re the same ones that would never set foot in a Walmart or Food Lion or Winn Dixie because they only shop at Harris Teeter or Publix.

If you want to be that person, have at it. It’s your money, but don’t, and by that I mean DO NOT turn around and complain that you’re paying too much. That’s your problem and you know damn good and well how to solve it, so suck it up and shut it up.

Alright, this got much longer than I had planned, but the word one of my fellow bloggers used back during the old blog, was “loquacious”. If you don’t know what it means, Google it. I had to.

I’ll wrap this up with this:

I am not as big of a dick as I may have made myself appear in this post. Those of you that read these and know me personally, can vouch for that.

At least I hope so.

I love the living shit out of all of you and I mean that.

Keep coming back.

(Published at 4:55 am, and I still haven’t taken my Trazadone.)

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